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June 20, 2018

Parenting Suicidal Teenagers

admin / 0 Comments / Parenting / parenting, suicide /

Parenting teenagers is a daunting task in and of itself, but what if the teenager you are parenting is having thoughts of self-harm or of suicide?  That adds a whole new layer of worries and confusion to parenting.  In the last couple of weeks we have seen two well-known celebrities end their lives and their fight with depression.  After these deaths, parents have been asking how they keep their children safe?  If people who seemingly had it all couldn’t find another way out, how can our children?  The news of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain has opened a door for all of us to use this as a way to talk about suicide, and to seek help when it is needed most.

Here are Five Tips to Parenting Suicidal Teenagers:

  1. Talk about it! It seems that parents are afraid to ask about suicidal thoughts or to talk about suicide for fear that they will put ideas into their child’s head.  That is not true.  Talking about it does not give them the idea, it opens up the lines of communication for them and let’s them know that they have a safe place to talk about it. This is a topic that is still so often kept a secret.  Allowing it to be talked about only helps you as a parent and your child.
    • Pick a good time to talk.  Pick a time when you will have less interruptions or distractions and you will have the attention of your child.  A car ride or dinner together might be good options.
    • Have a plan about how you want to talk about it with them.  Start with, “I was reading about Kate Spade today…” or “June is Mental Health Awareness Month…” or “I saw that your school has a suicide prevention campaign coming up…”
    • Listen to what they have to say.  Allow them to open up without interrupting. Ask clarifying questions to things you don’t understand.  If what they are telling you worries or upsets you, be honest.  “This has been a lot for me to process.  Let me think about this some more and then we can talk again later ok?”
    • Be Honest.  You don’t have to be an expert.  If you don’t know something then tell them “I am not sure I know what to do here.  Let’s try and find someone together that can help us.”  If this is a hard topic for you to talk about, let them know “This is really hard for me to talk about as well, but I think it is really important  to talk about.”
    • Watch your reactions.  Your child will be using this talk as a way to gauge the safety of this topic.  Don’t over-react but also don’t under-react.  Keep anger away and try and control your emotions while talking with them.  Be sure to process your emotions at some point, though.
  2. Connect with other parents that are dealing with a suicidal teenager as well.  Remember that you are not alone.  Again, this subject is one that is so often kept quiet or kept within families and can make you feel isolated.  Reach out.  Find a support group in your area.  If you can’t find one, reach out to a mental health agency to have them give you resources or to start a group.  Talking with others that are struggling in the same ways that you are will help you heal, process things and maybe even give you ideas of how to help your child that you hadn’t thought of yet.
  3. Find new ways to get help.  There are so many options out there of ways to get help.  It isn’t a one-size fits all solution.  Do some research.  Whether it be individual therapy, support groups for you or your child, family therapy, inpatient therapy, biofeedback, prescription medication, holistic approaches, technology- apps on your phone…try things until you find what fits for your child, for you and for your family.  Don’t give up hope.
  4. Self-Care!  Don’t forget about taking care of yourself.  As a parent in general, it is easy to put yourself last.  You can’t pour from an empty cup.  Take a break every now and then and do something just for you.  Take a bath, watch a TV show you want to watch, sit outside with your cup of coffee in the morning, whatever it may be that will give you a moment of clarity and relaxation, do it.
  5. Give resources.  Don’t expect that your child will always come to you when they are in crisis.  Talk with them about how you are always available, but give other resources too.  Help them think of a trusted adult that they could speak with, maybe a school counselor or their favorite teacher or coach.  Give them hotlines to call if they need to.
    • For here in St. Louis, MO a great crisis line to call is the Provident Hotline at 314-647-4357
    • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
    • Crisis Text Line: Text 741741 to text with a trained Crisis Counselor

Suicide is a scary subject for anyone, especially when dealing with teenagers.  Reach out for help if you feel like you need it or your teenager needs it.  Remember that suicide is an attempt to solve a problem that seems impossible to solve in any other way, and by getting your teenager the help they need they can begin to find other solutions.

July 5, 2017

Forgiveness

admin / 0 Comments / Peace /

 

Why is forgiveness such a hard thing to do?  When we are hurt or betrayed by someone, why does it take so much to forgive them? It seems that maybe the problem is because we are looking at the idea of forgiveness in the wrong way.

How do we look at forgiveness?

Forgiveness is such a hard concept because we don’t want to feel like we are giving the wrong doer a pass.  If we say that we forgive the person does that allow them to feel like what they did was ok?  If we continue to be angry or hurt or distant from that person, will that make them understand better how we feel about whatever they did to us?

What happens to us when we refuse to forgive?

In not forgiving someone or something, we in turn are injuring ourselves again and again.  We are allowing the hurt from that person to continue to sit within us. When we continue to let that hurt linger within us it can cause symptoms of depression and anger management issues, among other things.  It can cause us to stop doing things that we love, and we can become withdrawn from those close to us.

How could we look at forgiveness differently?

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the word forgive as “to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong): to stop feeling anger about (something)”. By definition forgiveness is about ourselves, not about the person or thing that harmed us.  We need to look at forgiveness as a way to erase the hurt from ourselves, a way to move forward.  That hurt has the potential to help us grow and become a better version of ourselves. Forgiveness is the first step to that.  Without it, the hurt will never transform into something beautiful.  Forgive the person not because they deserve to be forgiven but because you deserve to be at peace.

November 9, 2016

How to talk to your kids about the election

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How to talk to your kids about the election:

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Allow them to feel the way they feel.

Their feelings are valid and we shouldn’t tell them not to feel a certain way. What we can do is help them to find ways to alleviate some of their feelings of fear, anger or sadness. If you are looking for ways to help them deal with their anxiety check out this article and ways to help alleviate some anxiety.

What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious

Teach them about the system and checks and balances.

If you don’t understand it all then use it as a time to learn together. Look it up, ask a teacher, go to the library and check out a children’s book about it to read together. You can check out some resources here:

http://www.senate.gov/reference/bibliography/kids/kids.htm

Help them to understand right from wrong.

If there are values that are being displayed by those in the public eye that you don’t agree with then talk to them about what you don’t agree with, why you don’t agree with it and how you can be different.

Continue this learning process throughout the year.

Teach them it is ok to have their own thoughts and views. When they don’t have the same view as you on something use that as a learning tool. Have a peaceful debate about it. Show them how to appreciate and respect others’ views even if different than their own. Allow them to grow and learn with you and see how to keep anger and hate at bay.

If any of their fears, anger or anxiety get worse or are unbearable, it’s ok to get them some help.  Having an outside source to help them sort out their feelings can be a good thing.

 

November 7, 2016

Parenting after Divorce

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A divorce is a big transition for all parties involved.  Finding how to parent either as a single parent after or co-parent with an ex can be difficult.

Tips for better parenting after a divorce:

Allow time to Grieve

Divorce is a loss whether it was welcomed or not. You, your ex and your children need to be allowed time to grieve that loss. Children may need help understanding what is happening. You and your ex need time to grieve the loss of the relationship.  Allowing that time and fully going through the grieving process is important in order to fully heal.

Continue to be consistent with Consequences

It would be easy to think that since the kids are going through so much change with a divorce that you could just let some things slide.  However, what the kids need the most in a transition as big as a divorce is consistency.  Being consistent shows them that some things are going to remain the same, that the divorce only changes a part of their lives and it gives them some normalcy throughout the transition.

Do Not put your child in the Middle

It’s easy to forget that kids don’t want to take sides.  No matter what your ex does to upset you, don’t say anything about your ex to your kids that would force them to choose sides.  The kids just want a healthy relationship with both parents. Saying negative things about your ex forces the kids to pick one or the other. Bite your tongue and tell you friends, family or counselor about the things your ex does that upsets you. Your kids don’t need to hear it. Another good rule of thumb for this, especially if your kids are adolescents or older, is to keep your comments about your ex off of social media.  Just don’t do it.

Have a plan for when your ex parents Differently

It’s going to happen, the kids come to your house from your ex’s house and say “well mom lets us stay up until 10:00” or “dad says we don’t have to go to soccer practice anymore”. Whatever it may be, know that it is going to happen and have a plan for how to deal with it. The first thing you should remember is to stay calm and don’t say anything negative about the other parent.  You have no control over the other parent and you have no jurisdiction over their house. You cannot change the rules that they put into place. Try saying something like, “that may be a rule at mom’s house but at my house you know that the rule is bedtime is at 9:00”.

These are just a few things to keep in mind when you are dealing with parenting after divorce.  For more ideas on better ways to co-parent check out this article:

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/co-parenting-tips-for-divorced-parents.htm

If you are struggling with any of these things after a divorce please contact Amani Counseling today to schedule your FREE consultation.  We offer parenting and divorce courses as well as individual counseling for adults or children.

 

October 18, 2016

Fighting an inner battle to find inner peace

admin / 0 Comments / Peace /

 

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Peace.

It’s one of those words that sounds so simple. Is it simple? Peace. The absence of war. How easy is it to find your own peace? In what ways can we stop the war within ourselves that is constantly telling us that we aren’t good enough? Can we stop the battles from happening between us and the ones that we love-our husbands, wives, significant others, children, friends?  Is the peace that we are searching for out there?

Each and everyone of us is capable of finding peace within ourselves and within our lives.  It is a journey and a choice.  The way to finding it is up to each of us individually, but in order to find peace we have to be willing to work for it.

Five steps to begin your journey to finding your own peace:

1.) Awareness. Make sure you are becoming aware of your triggers and when stress is becoming too much.

2.) Find ways to relax. When you do notice those triggers or feelings of becoming overwhelmed, do something about it. Find ways to de-stress in the moment such as deep breaths, a quick break or a chat with a friend and also in the long term by finding things that make you happy such as outdoor activities, crafts, reading, exercising, playing music, etc.  Making time for relaxation is important in finding your inner peace. Try these 10 ways to de-stress:  www.chopra.com/articles/10-ways-to-de-stress-your-mind-and-body

3.) Find your confidence. Don’t let self-doubt and negative thoughts get in the way . Start your morning by telling yourself something positive and end your day by listing five things that you did great today. Making this a habit will help boost your confidence and after doing this for a while your confidence will come more naturally.

4.) Learn better ways to communicate. Whether with your children, your significant other, your coworkers, or the complete stranger behind the counter of the store communication is important.  Most arguments start by a miscommunication so in order to find peace within yourself and with those around you learning to communicate so that all parties understand is key.

5.) Get help when needed. While the first four steps are important and a great beginning to finding your inner peace, there may be times when things still get overwhelming and you may need to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to get the help.

Amani Counseling is here to walk with you

Amani Counseling is here to guide you through this process and to walk with you.  I will help you to find the strategies and techniques that work for you.  Finding inner peace is a journey and will take time. Walking with someone through that journey may make things easier.  Amani means peace in Swahili and that is exactly what I am here to do…help you find your inner peace.

Check in with my blog every week when we will have a new topic with tips, tricks and discussion to help you no matter where your journey takes you.

What other topics would you like to see on the blog?

Contact Us

  • amanicounseling.mo@gmail.com
  • 314-275-0933
  • 967 Gardenview Office Parkway, Suite 19, St. Louis, MO 63141
verified by Psychology Today
Jillian O'Brien, MA PLPC under the supervision of Nicole Burnett, LPC RPT Missouri License Number: 2012037172

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Amani Counseling
967 Gardenview Office Parkway, Suite 19, St. Louis, MO 63141